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I think I need to stop saying that I am well, because every time I say that I am well, that I'm better, I'm really not.....I am not well.
But yes, at least I can smile about it, you know?
Smile through the tears. Through the hurt.
I think that what it really is is that I'm confused. My eyes ache. My head aches. Most of all my heart aches. But I think what I'm most confused about is whether or not I ache for and miss him, or rather that I miss the concept of someone loving me. Of wanting to hold me not out of obligation to comfort, but out of love, out of affection, out of yearning, out of actually wanting to.
Yes, I hurt. That's the inevitable. I'm doing what I can. I suppose I really am getting better; again, at least I'm able to keep a straight face through most of it. I wish I had ideas. I envy you all because you have ideas and knowledge. I have nothing. Or rather, I have ideas that I don't fully believe in but use to at least have some form of confirmation. And the thing is, I can never have ideas. I can never be brought to believe, or understand, anyone elses idea.
Something is missing. I can feel it. It flies around in circles in that empty part of my brain, circling without a destination, remaining unconnected.
Whenever I'm happy, I picture myself as this fairy, or sprite. I have long, bouncy, curly hair that shimmers, with butterflies clinging to the strands and a wreath of flowers in my hair. My skin is a golden bronze, soft to the touch, my eyes a brilliant blue with a horizon that never ends. My garment is a soft, silky, flowy material, harnessed into a dress to flatter my girlish figure. My smile is grand, a dazzling white that reveals every last perfect tooth. My lips, so rosy and full, my face a radiant beam of pulchritude. I float through the air, always laughing, always singing; making those around me merry as well. I am this shiny being of pulchritude and happiness, and at times it seems like that will never fade. That I will be a youthful, joyous spark forever. I adore that feeling; one of the warmest things to my heart.
At times I wish my brain would cease working so that I could stop thinking about things and finally have some peace. Of mind. Yet it incessantly continues to move. Ticking away like mad.
Hear you me, MY FEW FRIENDS. Hear you me, MY OLD LOVES.
A pillow doesn't count as a person to hug.
The tears have stained my eyes red.
So has the weary................
Current Mood:  crushed |
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Creative Suicide
Swallow -
Swallow the pain that I inflict upon myself intentionally
By myself - for myself - because of myself
I have become worthless
Them -
They who are idols of self-indulgence
Able to walk through life with perfection on their side
They know I am worthless
Down -
Down in the depth of this forgotten heart
My own high expectations are dragging me so low
Simply worthless
Replace the razor with my pen
The noose becomes my thoughts
My words are pills
Swallow them down
They were never good enough for you anyways
Perfection will be reached through creative suicide
- Just swallow them down
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In every brush stroke
you can tell what I am feeling
If you pay close attention
you will hear what Im saying.
I wear my heart on my sleeve
I can see lightening clearly on the canvass.
I know it seems bright to you
but it was born from piercing concentration of anger and despair.
I know uou will see what you want to see......unless you love me.
Instead of peaceful tranqil ocean you will see my deep desire.
Instead of a little girl peeking around the corner.....you will see loneliness
Instead of the light of sunshine ....you will see the darkness surrounding.
Instead of me........you would see a once bright eyed child laying face down in a fetal position.Current Mood:  numb |
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Reach into the depths of my soul,
tear out the darkness you find there.
Throw it away,
I don’t need it anymore.
Release the song in my heart
so that it may be broken into a
thousand tiny pieces,
and sung to the world.
Open me,
free my spirit,
so I may dance,
Child Like,
and apart from fear
Chase away the monsters,
so I can live in this fairy tale
a little longer. |
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Theres a vast darkness inside, that takes me over like a wave.
I'm shaking with the fear, of what i might do.
I'm sorry to leave you. I hope you wont cry.
Because i'm saving my tears......Afraid of another day.
It scares me. what i may put you through,
But if you where here, If you knew...
The fear takes me over, like a drug are kicking in.
This ache inside will be gone soon. Am i weak for giving in?
Save your tears, For the flowers on my grave.
Hold my cold hands, For the life you couldnt save.
The reason I cannot explain, I cant live this way,
I close my eyes forever never to see another day.
I'm sorry if i hurt you. I wish you could have known,
I'm sorry to leave you. That it was never shown.
But i;m tired of this life. I'm drained from the tears.
I have enough in my hands, To kill my future years.
Untold was my pain, only glimpsed by ice cold eyes,
I tried and i tried, I'm sorry for the lies.
you dont even see me So you cant miss me.
You dont hear me. Because i cried out for your help..
It never came. So save your tears.
For the flowers on my grave. |
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W hen it’s the ones we love who pass us by, In a slow dance beneath a blackened sky
And you’ll never let another ever see inside because it hurts too bad…
When the times you shared were never shared at all
In your movie world, with your satin doll
And you’ll never let another ever break your fall ...because it hurt too bad…
When your longing screams remained silent youre bare of a spoken word
And you’ll never let another ever see you stir .....Because it hurt too bad…
When thru lonely tears at him you only stare, in a drowning memory, but he was never there
And you’ll never let another really make you care .....Because it hurt too bad…
To see a beautiful girl cry. And it’s not that you saw her Or ever really loved her
But your absence scarred her You pushed her away…
You made the beautiful girl feel ugly on the inside
You made her run away. now I wonder why…
How could you be the one ......To make a beautiful girl cry?
Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 04:33 pm
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| » QUOTE OF THE DAY |
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"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."
-Chris Rock
Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 04:30 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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| You Have a Choleric Temperament | 
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior. |
Dec. 5th, 2005 @ 07:26 pm
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| » save yourself!! |
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I know your life is empty And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel someone who can make you whole
But...I can not save you I can't even save myself
I know that you've been damaged your soul has suffered abuse
But I am not your savior,I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you I can not save you
I can't even save myself
Don't take pity on me
My life has been a nightmare my soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone
You can not save me you can't even save yourself
I can not save you I can't even save myself
Save yourself
So just go....... and save yourself
Dec. 5th, 2005 @ 02:46 pm
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| » here goes |
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So I figured that it was about time for me to write one of these things, so here goes...
You see, it's a weird thing to love something so intensely that you realize the need to let it go. To let that which you crave go. Is it fate? Chance? God? Whatever the definition, or what you percieve, there is something to letting.... Letting all the bullshit go, Letting the past go, the EXPECTATIONS of the future go, letting the love go. It's not like we have control in these things, right? It's the human fallacy that we have a hand in our lives. Should we spend our lives attempting to conquer the invincible, we could very well just be wasteing the short little spat of time our lives amount to. I mean, the earth is several billions years old. Our lives, on average, comprise 70 very, very small years of those 6 billion. It seems to only make sense to live in some bliss at how small we really are. Where's all the vibrance gone? Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one happy to be glowing on yet another cloudy morning. I don't mind, really I don't. it just makes me sad to see all these humans saturating this planet living very, very sad and uninspiring lives.
I can't change the fucking world.
I can't change the fucking world.
So I might as well just live in my own.
and i do
Dec. 4th, 2005 @ 02:27 pm
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| » broken doll |
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Today I saw a picture of a "broken doll" a once loved toy now forgotten and neglected. When I first saw the picture of her I found it to sad with its broken face, piercing eyes and ghostly hair. But then, looking deeper at its longing eyes and mouth gaping for attention and love, I realised that there was a hidden sorrow with the picture, which was the emotion that I wanted to bring out.
I thought about the story behind the picture that would evoke such, how once upon a time, the doll was beautiful and loved by a child. and how eventually the child grew out of it and discarded the doll. And by throwing away the doll, the child grew up, accepted new responsibilities and lost their innocence. And so busy was the child growing up that the child forgot how to play, to smile, to love.
And thus, this toy is now only a faded memory, torn and tossed aside with noone to love and no one to care for it. As I looked closer I saw in her blue eye unshed tears that shows that there is some life in the doll someting deep within that still yearns and dreams of being loved and played with again. There is also a sense of loss as the colour left in the doll is suggestive of a once happy past now lost forever.
Strangely this reminded me of the sorrow of losing our childhood innocence, and carefreeness as we grow up and forget to appreciate the things we used to have and treasure.
Just a thought........
Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 04:55 pm
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| » ~~~Insincerity |
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Night in the moonlight
Showers me in loneliness
Tingles run through me
My life I've given
To you who made promises
Promises of love
So empty were they
Yet I remain still blinded
And foolishly tricked
Everything I gave
Hoping that you will see me
As one to cherish
I've blocked out my friends
Just to be in your passion
But, who am I now?
You left me alone
To stand by the wretched moon
None to take my tears
And now I shiver
Bitterly trying to smile
Forced to accept it
Insincerity
You are so full of it.........
Insincerity
Nov. 28th, 2005 @ 09:02 am
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| » today is the |
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Good Morning World......
Today is the greatest Day I’ve ever kown
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I burn my eyes out Before I get out
I wanted more Than life could ever grant
Bored by the chore Of saving face
Today is the greatest Day I have ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out ...Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars That never forget
I’ve tried so hard To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings
Today is Today is Today is
The greatest day...............That I have ever known
I want to turn you on I want to turn you round
I want to turn you on I want to turn you
Today is the greatest Today is the greatest day
Today is the greatest day That I have ever known
".....to be continued, im sure....."
Nov. 27th, 2005 @ 10:34 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Cracked Procelain
But you broke my mask of protection.
You apologized, but I don’t like the word "sorry."
I’m just another porcelain doll locked away in an attic somewhere.
Once loved and treasured,
But now tossed and forgotten.
Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 06:09 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Why doesnt anyone want me? Love is a fire. But whether it's going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 01:24 pm
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| » NEWBIE |
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I really don't know what to say. Im new here. But then I remembered that if I did a state of the union, my thoughts could be scattered. They're bullet points requiring little explanation. So here goes. -i did NOTHING today.....well nothing CONSTRUCTIVE - Went shopping YESTERDAY. - I'm finally over HIM. I basically just spent a few days feeling pathetic, miserable, and sorry for myself. And then woke up the next morning raring to go. Then eventually I thought to myself "What the hell was I thinking? HIM!?"EWWWWWWW hehehe. So yea that pretty much put me over the last hump. And I'm ready to get rejected again! lol. Actually no. i WAS UP the other night till like 3 in the morning, and pondering my lastest mess I had gotten into. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I'll just try not to like anyone. And if I do, I'll ignore it because if it's seriously not "the time" for me to have anyone, I'm not going to keep putting myself through shit by liking someone that doesnt like me. Plus, I'm sick of all drama . It's not my style.And I have more fun creating drama on my own....creating my own characters and then killing them off as I see fit.LOLOLOLOL (mellie's sounding MORBID) - That's all. This was actually a surprisingly long entry for my not knowing what to say. Ah well. Later Dayz.
Nov. 26th, 2005 @ 01:08 pm
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